Navigating Relationship Pressures: How Imago Relationship Therapy Empowers LGBTQ+ and Diverse Couples

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | September 9, 2024

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As a psychologist and certified Imago Relationship Therapist, I’ve dedicated my career to helping individuals and couples navigate the complexities of love and partnership. But my journey isn’t just professional—it’s also deeply personal. My husband, José, and I are not only a gay couple, we are also interethnic. We have personally experienced the unique challenges that come with being a diverse couple in today’s world. The societal expectations, family pressures, and occasional misunderstandings have tested our bond. Through it all, we have found strength and growth by utilizing the tools provided in Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT). The principles of IRT provide us with a safe space to explore our differences, celebrate our love, and build a resilient partnership. Our experience has not only enriched our personal lives, it has deepened our commitment to helping other couples, especially those from the LGBTQ+ community and diverse backgrounds, find their path to lasting love and understanding.

Modern day couples face a myriad of expectations and challenges. For LGBTQ+ couples, these pressures are often compounded by societal stigma, discrimination, and unique family dynamics. Multicultural couples may struggle with navigating cultural differences and addressing prejudices. It is important to acknowledge that all couples, including LGBTQ+ and diverse couples, must contend with the usual relationship stressors, such as communication issues, work-life balance, and financial concerns.

José and I are excited to offer the Getting the Love You Want couples workshop, based on Imago Relationship Therapy, which offers valuable tools to help couples cope with relationship pressures and strengthen their bond.

The couples workshop is not group therapy. Rather, it is a weekend where José and I provide education about what drives couples to conflict, demonstrate skills that help couples successfully improve their connection, and allow time for couples to practice these skills in private.

The Getting Your Love Want couples workshop can help your relationship in the following ways:

1. Increase compassion and curiosity: The workshop encourages partners to approach each other with genuine interest, kindness, and empathy. By learning to see their partner’s perspective, couples can better understand and validate each other’s experiences, including the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ and diverse couples.

2. Improve communication: Learning effective communication tools is crucial for navigating relationship challenges. The workshop teaches couples how to listen actively and express themselves without using shame, blame, or criticism, to foster better understanding and a safe space for connection.

3. Address cultural differences: The workshop provides a safe space for intercultural and interethnic couples to explore and celebrate their diverse backgrounds. The tools offered will help partners negotiate cultural differences and find common ground.

4. Heal past wounds: The Imago approach recognizes that childhood experiences shape our adult relationships. The workshop teaches couples how to identify and heal past wounds and traumas, to reduce their impact on their romantic relationship.

5. Build a unique relationship identity: Creating relationship models can be challenging for LGBTQ+ and diverse couples. This workshop supports couples in developing a unique identity that honors both partners backgrounds and values.

6. Develop practical skills: Couples will leave the workshop with a practical toolkit that they can use at home to continue their growth. These include structured dialogues, exercises for deepening intimacy, and conflict resolution strategies. This practical toolkit empowers couples to navigate conflict and face their relationship challenges with confidence and understanding - ready and equipped to handle any obstacles that they might encounter.

7. Foster resilience: Couples will strengthen their connection and improve their communication to more effectively tackle external pressures and challenges. By enhancing their ability to support and understand each other, couples can build a strong foundation for navigating difficult situations and strengthening their bond.

The Getting the Love You Want couples workshop provides a supportive environment for couples to explore their relationship dynamics, free from judgment or societal expectations. While all couples are welcome, it’s particularly valuable for LGBTQ+ and diverse couples who may not see their experiences reflected in the larger society. Our goal is to create a safe, comfortable space for you to grow and learn.

As couples work through the exercises and discussions, they often experience a renewed sense of connection and understanding. They learn that conflict is not an obstacle but an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy. This shift in perspective can bring hope and optimism to couples, showing them that their relationship can continue to grow and strengthen with commitment and practice, building a resilient partnership capable of weathering life’s challenges.

I’ve seen countless couples transform their relationships through the Imago process, and José and I have seen the benefits in our own relationship. By increasing compassion, fostering curiosity, and developing practical skills, couples can cope with societal pressures and thrive despite them.

We invite you to attend an upcoming Getting the Love You Want couples weekend workshop. Contact us for more information and to register. Imago Relationship couples therapy and couples intensives are also available. José and I look forward to meeting you soon.

About the author: Dr. Gregory E. Koch has over 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples achieve personal growth and meaningful connections. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist. Dr. Koch specializes in trauma recovery, LGBTQ+ support, and relationship counseling. Dr. Koch and his husband, José Ontiveros Koch, present a couple’s weekend workshop called “Getting the Love You Want.” Learn more about Dr. Gregory E. Koch. 

Getting The Love You Want Educational Workshop: What We Learned as a Couple

Written by Dr. Koch and José Ontiveros Koch

My husband, José, and I are completing professional training to facilitate the Imago-based ‘Getting the Love You Want’ Couples Workshop. This educational program is an immersive two-and-a-half-day experience on enhancing communication and building intimacy. We are excited to announce that the first workshop will be offered at Therapy Changes in June 2024! In the lead-up to our first workshop, we wanted to share a few things we learned from attending the workshop ourselves six years ago. These lessons have helped our relationship immensely and we are still practicing the skills today.  

Lessons learned:

1. The workshop introduced us to Imago Couples therapy techniques for a new way to talk and listen. We learned the skills necessary to actively listen to each other. For example, we learned how to use the 'mirroring' technique, which is when one person repeats back what the other person said. This helped ensure that we truly understood each other's perspectives before moving forward in the conversation. Mastering this technique has been a game-changer in our relationship. We now have a deeper understanding and empathy for one another.

2. We learned how differences in our upbringing impact our communication styles. Once we recognized how our backgrounds and experiences influence our communication styles, it opened our eyes to the different ways we perceive problems and how we communicate. This awareness helped us better navigate these differences in our relationship.

3. José experienced a great deal of personal growth during the workshop experience. He learned valuable skills to shift away from a reactive mind to asking for what he needs. As a couple we gained strategies to move away from reacting unconsciously to each other and towards expressing our thoughts and feelings openly by asking for what we need. This shift fostered support, empathy, and understanding in our relationship.

4. I was captivated by the concept of staying curious. The workshop underscored the significance of maintaining a sense of curiosity about each other. This perspective fostered an ongoing learning and understanding within our relationship that continues today. When we remain curious toward one another, we reduce assumptions that we have about the motivation behind each other’s behavior and remain open to learning something new about our partner that we didn’t know before.

The Getting the Love You Want workshop is a great opportunity for any couple to learn more about each other, and themselves in a safe environment. The workshop is educational; it is not therapy. This means the amount that you share with others is entirely up to you. This experience will teach you how to break destructive patterns of communicating and build new pathways for increased understanding, compassion, and closeness with your partner. Ample opportunities to practice new behaviors will be provided, with professional guidance from the group facilitators. You and your partner may be surprised at what is possible when you listen – really listen – to each other. Together you will work toward a common vision of your dream relationship.

We invite you to join us at our upcoming Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop this June. Contact Us today for more information and to register. José and I look forward to meeting you soon!

The Absolutely Essential Nature of Conflict in Romantic Relationships

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | October 20, 2023

Photo by Carlos David

Many of us believe that “good relationships” don’t have conflict. Contrary to this commonly held belief, conflict is absolutely essential in romantic relationships! Conflict in a relationship doesn’t imply failure or dysfunction, but rather signifies the depth and authenticity of the connection. In this article, I explain the important role that conflict serves in romantic relationships, and how it can help bring us closer to our partners.

If experiencing conflict in your relationships is difficult for you, you’re not alone. We don’t often learn what healthy conflict looks like, and often develop conflict styles from observing others. Our family dynamics, cultural influences, and past experiences shape how we approach and handle conflicts in our relationships. With support and guidance from a San Diego psychologist, you will learn Why You Should Have Hard Conversations…And How to Start Them.

Conflict is absolutely essential because it provides an opportunity for partners to better understand each other. It allows us to express our needs, desires, and concerns openly. Through conflict, we gain insight into each other’s perspectives, values, and emotions, and foster a more profound connection and deeper empathy.

Embracing conflict as an opportunity to grow, and can lead to more fulfilling, deep, and long-lasting relationships.

Perhaps you’ve avoided conflict in your relationship in the past. To avoid conflict seems easier in the short term, but it leads to detrimental consequences in the long run. When we avoid conflict, resentment builds, and results in explosive “blow ups” that cause even greater distress. Ironically, these negative experiences in relationships lead to further avoidance of conflict.

Unresolved conflicts erode connection within relationships and destroy trust and intimacy over time. By acknowledging and addressing conflicts constructively, couples can prevent these adverse outcomes and maintain a healthier dynamic.

When we learn how to resolve conflicts when they are minor and solvable, we can build and maintain healthy romantic relationships. When we approach disputes with mutual respect, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand one another, conflict can strengthen the bond between partners.

Strategies to Invite Healthy Conflict into Your Relationship

1. Communicate Effectively

You can learn How to Effectively Communicate with Your Partner by being open and honest with your partner. Be an active listener, express emotions respectfully, and use non-defensive communication with the use of “I” statements. These strategies can contribute to a more productive dialogue.

2. Listen and Collaborate

Focus on mutually acceptable solutions instead of trying to win arguments. This approach requires a willingness to listen and understand each other’s needs while allowing room to find common ground.

Your couples therapist can help you learn how to increase your cognitive flexibility, and build empathy for a more fulfilling romantic relationship.

3. Seek Professional Help

Couples therapy provides a safe space to learn and practice effective conflict resolution techniques. A therapist with specialized training for couples, like Dr. Koch at San Diego Relationship Center, can guide you and your partner to develop healthier communication strategies and address deeper underlying issues.

Approaches like Imago Relationship Therapy provides a structured approach to resolve conflict while creating deeper understanding and a more profound connection with your partner.

I tell couples, “Conflict is growth trying to happen.” It is an essential component of any romantic relationship. When you recognize the significance of conflict and learn how to navigate conflict amicably, you and your partner can cultivate a deeper understanding of each other, foster emotional intimacy, and build stronger connections.

When you embrace the power of healthy conflict, you can unlock the true growth potential of your romantic relationship.

Help is Available

If you and your partner feel “stuck,” Couples therapy at San Diego Relationship Center can help. Your San Diego psychologist can provide invaluable guidance to help you resolve conflicts effectively.

Contact Us today to learn more about How Therapy Works and What to Expect and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Koch. Relationships are hard work, and you don’t have to go it alone.

Navigating Anti-LGBTQ+ Religions

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | July 21, 2023

Empowering Strategies for Resilience and Growth

In today’s diverse society, it is disheartening to acknowledge that certain religious beliefs continue to marginalize and discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community. Anti-gay religions have a harmful impact on the lives and relationships of gay individuals, often causing emotional distress and feelings of isolation. This article will highlight positive coping mechanisms and strategies that empower gay individuals to navigate and triumph over these attempts at sabotage.

How to cope with anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric:

1. Find a Supportive Community

A solid support system is paramount for any queer individual whose identity is being challenged, especially if it is within the context of anti-gay religions. Surround yourself with people who accept and celebrate your identity to nurture an environment that supports your personal growth and resilience. If you are not already a part of a queer community, seek out LGBTQ+ affirming organizations or social groups where you can connect with individuals who share similar experiences and struggles. If you are unable to access in-person support, online support can be a boon.

If you surround yourself with people who accept and celebrate your identity, you can create a nurturing environment for personal growth and resilience.

2. Develop Emotional Resilience

Anti-gay religious doctrines lead queer people to feel shame, guilt, and self-doubt. To overcome these hurdles, one must cultivate emotional resilience. Engaging in mindfulness, meeting with a trained therapist who specializes in working with the LGBTQ+ community, or practicing meditation will help you promote self-acceptance, increase self-compassion, and improve overall emotional well-being.

Your worth is not defined by the opinions of those who attempt to sabotage your life and relationships.

3. Educate Yourself and Others

Knowledge is a powerful tool to combat prejudice and misinformation. Educate yourself about different religions, their beliefs, and historical contexts. This knowledge will help you engage in meaningful conversations with individuals who hold anti-gay religious views. When you share your experiences and perspectives with others, it can shift hearts and minds, thus promoting acceptance and understanding. This approach may be helpful for some; however, some queer people may need to step back from religion entirely to protect their well-being. Check in with yourself about which approach is better for you (and see #4 below).

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

When navigating anti-gay religions, it is essential to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. You have the agency to decide who you allow into your life and how much influence they have over your well-being. Be assertive in communicating your boundaries with family, friends, or religious figures who may attempt to sabotage your relationships or impose their beliefs on you.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-empowerment.

5. Seek Professional Support

Therapy with a trained San Diego psychologist provides a supportive space to discuss the impact of anti-gay religions on your well-being. A qualified psychologist who specializes in working with LGBTQ+-related issues can help you develop coping strategies that are tailored to your unique circumstances. Your therapist will guide you through emotional challenges, help you develop valuable insights, and assist you in fostering resilience and personal growth.

6. Celebrate Personal Victories

A crucial aspect of self-care is to acknowledge and celebrate your personal achievements. Recognize and honor the steps you take towards personal growth, self-acceptance, and overcoming the obstacles imposed by anti-gay religions.

When you celebrate these victories, you reinforce your strength, resilience, and commitment to living an authentic and fulfilling life.

Facing attempts at sabotage by anti-gay religions is a tremendous challenge and extremely hurtful and painful for many LGBTQ+ people. It is important to remember that you are not alone. You will emerge from these challenges stronger and more empowered when you embrace supportive communities, develop emotional resilience, educate yourself and others, set boundaries, seek professional support, and celebrate your personal victories.

Together, we can work towards fostering acceptance, understanding, and equality for all members of the LGBTQ+ community. Please contact us to learn more about how therapy can help and have a wonderful Pride month!

Coming Out as Queer on Your Terms

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | December 30, 2022

Photo by Cavan for Adobe

This article is inspired by friends and clients who recently shared with me about their coming out journey. In my article Relationship Tips for Gay Men…and anyone else smart enough to read this article, I suggest that gay men “celebrate their gay” by being themself in as many spaces as possible. This article will expand on this idea and provide guidance for anyone Coming Out as Queer.

When to Come Out

I encourage those who “come out”, or tell their truth, to do so on their own terms. This means that you have full autonomy to let others know about the diversity of your sexual orientation and/or gender identity whenever the time is right for you.

There is no right time to come out except when you are ready.

Take the pressure off yourself to come out in a particular way or time. For example, if you decide to come out to your family over an upcoming holiday, it is okay to change your plans if it doesn’t feel right at the time. You don’t owe anyone anything. Your coming out is for you!

How to Come Out

Come out by whatever method works best for you. For example, I lived with my mother for about six months after I finished college. I did this because I knew living at home would help me tell her that I was gay. After a couple of months, I wrote a coming out letter to her and left it with a helpful book on the kitchen counter. I went away for the weekend and gave her some time to process her thoughts and feelings. When we talked about it later, we were able to do so in a calm and caring manner. This strategy worked best for me, but it may feel better for others to have a face-to-face or phone conversation.

Avoid coming out by text message. We lose a lot of communication when we use text messages, especially when we have emotional conversations. This often leads to misunderstandings. Instead, try a more personal approach, like an in-person conversation, phone, or video call, or even a handwritten letter.

What to Share

You decide the information you provide to your loved ones. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and reactions (assuming they aren’t abusive), and you don’t need to manage other people’s feelings. It may be helpful to give your loved one some time and space to process, like I did with my mother. She was able to take care of herself in her own way, and it didn’t fall on me to manage her feelings.

When you share in a mature, caring way, you are not responsible for the feelings and reactions of others.

Set boundaries in this process to take care of yourself. Remember, it’s not your job to educate the world, including your loved ones, about queerness. It’s their job to educate themselves. Those who love us will do so in time.

Support is Available

Coming out as Queer can be a very difficult process. It takes a great deal of courage, and personal understanding to broach these important and meaningful conversations with your loved ones. Coming out is also a wonderful thing. It is a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing yourself, your sexual orientation and identity. You may find it helpful to work with a professional San Diego Psychologist who specializes in LGBTQ+ – related concerns.

Although coming out can be difficult, it can also be a very liberating and freeing process. You may feel like you can finally be authentic and true to who you are. You may even find a whole community of people like you and feel supported and inspired. Contact Us today to schedule an appointment with Dr. Koch at San Diego Relationship Center. Coming out doesn’t have to be a lonely process. Help and support is available.

Relationship Tips for Gay Men

…and anyone smart enough to read this article

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | July 1, 2022

Photo by Cavan for Adobe

In 2014, I attempted my first 5-day backpacking trip. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sir Edmund Hillary, the first mountaineer to summit Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen, once said, “It is not the mountains we conquer but ourselves.” I remember feeling something very similar after my much less significant achievement. I learned that climbing a mountain was much more than a physical feat. The real challenge was cultivating a positive mindset and facing the mental challenge. I felt as if I was conquering myself with every step forward. I knew that if I allowed the self-doubt and inner critic to take over, the next step might head me down the mountain instead of up it. The reward of such work was the camaraderie with my fellow trekkers and the knowledge that challenging tasks are possible with perseverance.

Reflecting on this experience reminds me of what it’s like to tackle the adventure of dating. The prospect of nurturing a romantic relationship can seem quite daunting, but the reward of perseverance and hard work is the deep connection and intimacy we enjoy with our partners.

You can reap the benefits of being in a healthy and stable romantic relationship. To help you get there, I share tips that I learned in my work with couples and those seeking to improve intimacy. While these tips pertain primarily for gay men, they have broad relevance to other communities, as well.

Tips for romantic relationships:

1. Date!

The first thing is to get started. Put yourself out there. Take the risk. You can’t get what you don’t ask for, so ask that hotty out on a date.

2. Attraction is purely subjective.

If someone is not into you, it’s not personal. We can’t control who is attracted to us. The mechanisms that determine if the person is attracted to you were present long before you met them. If there isn’t a mutual attraction, move on…there’s someone better out there for you.

3. Take your time.

I can’t tell you how often I hear the story of people getting hot and bothered about someone immediately after meeting them. They can hear wedding bells ringing after the first date! Slow…down. Try referring to the early times together as simply “hanging out” rather than “dating” to reduce the emotional intensity. If you find yourself outpacing the other person, be aware of your emotions, take a step back and let the other person catch up. By slowing down, you will take the pressure off the relationship, which is a real turn-on.

4. The purpose of dating is to find out if someone is a good match.

If the relationship doesn’t evolve after the first few meetings, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. Just because someone wasn’t a good match for you doesn’t mean that your attempt was a failure. Having the courage to put yourself out there is in and of itself an accomplishment. By doing so you have learned something valuable about yourself, and you are now free to put energy into the next person. Be patient with yourself: finding the right match often takes longer than you think it should.

5. Date and have relationships with people who are available.

A lot of the “games” people play in the dating scene are because they fear getting close to others. Choose relationships with people who aren’t afraid to tell you how they feel and ask for what they need. Practice sharing your feelings with potential partners, as well, even though it may be scary at first.

6. Abandon hopeless relationships.

I can’t stress this enough. You deserve a fulfilling and enriching relationship. If your emotional needs aren’t being met in a relationship, talk to your partner. Tell them how you feel and try to work together to find a solution. If, after time you still aren’t getting what you need, it’s time to say goodbye.

7. Ask for what you want.

You can’t always get what you ask for, but you certainly can’t get what you don’t ask for. Take the risk, it often pays off. If you don’t get what you want, you will still feel satisfied knowing that you did your best, and that you learned something in the process.

8. Allow others to have their feelings.

You and the person(s) you are in a relationship with are individuals. You are all entitled to your feelings and should have the right to express them. Navigating the complexity of differing emotions is what it takes to be in a healthy relationship.

9. Claim space for yourself.

Human romantic partners didn’t evolve to be together all the time. It’s important to spend time apart. Take a vacation by yourself each year (your partner can do the same). If one of your partner’s best friends is intolerable to you, that’s alright! Give that time to your partner. Learn how to take space for yourself and give space to your partner. Coming back together will be even sweeter.

10. Normalize a range of body types.

There is a lot of pressure in the gay community to meet “ideal” body standards. Beauty exists outside of these narrow parameters and so does attraction. Many of us internalize a rigid definition of beauty beginning at an early age, leading to feelings of shame and criticism in our communities. If you and your partner(s) want healthy self-esteem and body image, step away from the harmful messaging of diet culture and embrace your natural body type, even if it differs from what society tells you is “ideal.”

11. Normalize gender differences.

Embrace and learn to love the differences in gender expression in our communities. When we do this as gay men, we find more love for ourselves and start to let go of the internalized homophobia that we carry with us.

12. “Celebrate your gay.”

Celebrate your queerness. Be yourself in as many spaces as possible. Learn to accept yourself and your partner and let go of the burden of guilt related to being gay. When others can’t celebrate with you, it’s okay to set boundaries that protect you from the shame others try to place on you. In some cases, you may need to revisit tip #6. It’s not fair to you, or your partners when you have to apologize for being who you are. You certainly don’t see non-queer people apologizing for being cisgender and straight! Level the playing field by celebrating who you are.

Being in a healthy romantic relationship requires a lot of hard work. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, lost, and confused in the process. Past traumas, internalized homophobia and external stressors can all interfere with your ability to positively relate to your partner. If you are having trouble expressing your emotions, or asking for what you need in your relationship, consider Couples Therapy. Working with a professional San Diego Psychologist will help you and your partner learn tools and strategies to help you work together to accomplish your goals. You deserve to enjoy an intimate, healthy, and uplifting relationship. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with a member of the Therapy Changes team who will help get you there.

Reinvigorating Sexual Passion and Desire in a Committed Relationship

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | October 29, 2021

Photo by SKW

In the early days of a relationship, sex can seem fun, exciting, and something to look forward to for many couples. Of course, every couple is different. For many, even those still profoundly in love, sexual passion and behaviors can change throughout a long-term relationship. Couples who maintain a higher level of passion in a relationship may have a higher level of individual sexual passion to begin with (Busby, et al., 2019). But, as we know, life happens. We get older, our bodies change, some of us have children, stress can get the best of us. Such events can impact our sex lives even if our sex drive and sexual desire remain high. But here is the reality, sexual problems are normal, especially sexual desire problems (Schnarch, 2019). This might sound like new information if you believed the romantic fallacy that good relationships don’t have sexual problems. The fact is, good relationships and healthy people do have sexual problems.

So, how do we bring passion back into our committed relationships?

Understanding what you want and asking for it is powerful medicine in the bedroom. Believe it or not, “sexual passion can be developed and increased over time in relationships as couples learn to be more differentiated and are thereby able to expand their sexual intimacy, repertoire, and passion.” (Busby, et al., p. 736).

Follow the suggestions below to help improve your sex life:

1) Make time for intimacy

One aspect of improving our sex lives is prioritizing sex. But how do we make our sex lives a priority when life gets in the way? Consider scheduling sex with your sexy sex partner! “Scheduling?” you say? “How unromantic,” you say? I get it. And yet, when we want that special time with our partner knowing when and where can be helpful. It might surprise you, but most couples intentionally plan their sexual experiences (McCarthy & Wald, 2015).

2) Take time to look and smell good

At the beginning of romantic relationships, we are likely to try to impress each other by looking and smelling good. Of course, over time, we may put less effort into trying to impress our partners. This change certainly makes sense once we have dated a long time, if we live together, or raise children together. As relationships become long-term, knowing when sex is expected to occur gives us the chance to prepare to impress our partner at times when it matters most. As silly as it may seem, smelling and looking good can help improve the sexual experience. Having the opportunity to shower, brush our teeth, etc. can help us feel good about ourselves and our time together. Perhaps most importantly, the anticipation can be sexy and fun.

3) Learn about, and understand each other’s differences

What about relationships where one partner appears to be asking for sex more than the other? In my experience, every couple has a difference in their level of sexual desire: one partner is always going to want more sex than the other. As I mentioned above, many factors can change our sexual desire over time, but even without these changes, one partner will want a different amount of sex than the other. For example, perhaps you want sex a few times per week, and your partner wants it once every other week. Schnarch writes that simply understanding this difference can take pressure off couples.

On the other hand, this dynamic might cause a situation where one partner always seems to be initiating sex. This can start to feel like pressure when always in the lead when asking for intimacy. And the pressure to have sex can harm our sexual satisfaction. In such cases, it can be helpful to switch up the lead using what I call “Keeper of the Sexual Relationship Days”. Make an agreement between you about who will first “take the lead” to request sex, and then switch to the other partner next time. Using a strategy like this gives each partner time to think about what experience they might like to have and how they might set the scene. It allows setting up a romantic night, for example. Expressing and enjoying an individual’s desires and passions can bring alive sex with your partner.

4) Try new things together

As our lives with our partners become more routine, so do our sex lives. So, how can we improve sex in relationships? Schnarch (2019) writes that the best way is to create a collaborative partnership regarding sex. This approach means agreeing to work together. And we can’t do this without having good sexual communication. This suggestion might be another area where you would tell me, “How unromantic!” But the reality is your partner can’t know what you want unless you ask for it. And if YOU don’t know what you want, then you have some exploring to do. Thinking and talking about what is erotic for you and your partner, as it turns out, can be sexy. “Eroticism invites taking emotional and sexual risks; asks each partner to be open to creativity, mystery, and unpredictability…” (McCarthy & Wald, p. 292). If you find yourself feeling anxious doing this for the first time, keep it up. You’ll feel less anxious with practice. Books like Jack Morin’s “The Erotic Mind” or Justin Lehmiller’s “Tell Me What You Want” can be a good start to increasing your curiosity and erotic self-knowledge.

Finally, keep in mind that flexibility is a crucial element when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction won’t be the same every time you have sex. However, accepting this variability can enhance the bond you have with your partner (McCarthy & Wald). Most importantly, make it like play, relax, and have fun.

If you and your partner are feeling stuck, having a hard time communicating or trouble reinvigorating passion and desire into your committed relationship, consider Imago Couples Therapy. Imago Therapy is a unique and interactive therapeutic process that brings you and your partner closer together and deepens intimacy. When you are feeling closer to your partner and more deeply connected, your sex life can improve dramatically. Don’t wait any longer. Contact a professional San Diego Psychologist at Therapy Changes today to learn more and schedule an appointment.

References
Busby, D. M., Chiu, H., Leonhardt, N. D., & Iliff, E. (2019). Sexual Passion in Committed Relationships: Measurement and Conceptual Issues. Family Process, 58(3), 734–748. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12385
McCarthy, B., & Wald, L. M. (2015). Strategies and Techniques to Directly Address Sexual Desire Problems. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 26(4), 286–298. https://doi.org/10.1080/08975353.2015.1097282
Schnarch, D. M. (2019). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship (2nd ed.). Sterling Publishers.

Therapy Changes Welcomes Dr. Gregory E. Koch

Dr. Gregory E. Koch

In our era of “snapshot appearances” and social media, being yourself can be hard. It isn’t easy to keep up appearances, and this takes a toll on our self-esteem and self-identity. That is why having a place where you can be yourself, let your guard down, be vulnerable, and be seen is so important. Holding this space with my clients is what makes therapy so meaningful to me.

If you have unresolved trauma, relationship difficulties, loss and heartache, or you want to grow as a person, therapy can be the place for you. I’ve been helping clients heal and grow for over 22 years. I am delighted to join the Therapy Changes team where I can continue to provide focused guidance when it’s needed most.

Having the courage to be yourself

I started helping others affirm their identities when I was in college. After coming out as a gay man at a small liberal arts school in North Texas, I started the first LGBTQ+ organization on the Austin College campus. I didn’t do it alone, though. I had the help of friends, straight and gay, who sat with me in the student union building for our first meeting. We were out in the open; everyone walking by could see us. I couldn’t have done it without those friends’ help: the people who saw me, valued me, and worked with me to create a safe place for growth.

This experience made me passionate about providing LGBTQ+ services and for helping emerging adults find themselves. For the past decade, I worked as a counseling psychologist at the University of California, San Diego. In this role, I had the chance to create community spaces like the one I helped create for my college. I created spaces for gay men and couples to meet and discuss their relationships. These were safe spaces for self and relationship improvement. But again, I couldn’t have done it alone. It was the community that made this work meaningful and successful.

Because of the opportunities I have had to work in the LGBTQ+ community, I believe in people’s capacity for connection and personal transformation in healthy relationships. I believe that relationships give life meaning—none of the work we do amounts to a hill of beans without connection. Life cannot be about perfectionism or achievement alone. It must be about love for ourselves and others. When we understand this, we can look honestly at ourselves and create health, healing, and growth spaces.

I look forward to meeting you

I hope that my experience working with the LGBTQ+ community, my experience helping others heal from trauma, and my passion for building meaningful connection can be helpful to you. I look forward to joining and building community at Therapy Changes. I invite you to take the first step and be a part of that work.