The Absolutely Essential Nature of Conflict in Romantic Relationships

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | October 20, 2023

Photo by Carlos David

Many of us believe that “good relationships” don’t have conflict. Contrary to this commonly held belief, conflict is absolutely essential in romantic relationships! Conflict in a relationship doesn’t imply failure or dysfunction, but rather signifies the depth and authenticity of the connection. In this article, I explain the important role that conflict serves in romantic relationships, and how it can help bring us closer to our partners.

If experiencing conflict in your relationships is difficult for you, you’re not alone. We don’t often learn what healthy conflict looks like, and often develop conflict styles from observing others. Our family dynamics, cultural influences, and past experiences shape how we approach and handle conflicts in our relationships. With support and guidance from a San Diego psychologist, you will learn Why You Should Have Hard Conversations…And How to Start Them.

Conflict is absolutely essential because it provides an opportunity for partners to better understand each other. It allows us to express our needs, desires, and concerns openly. Through conflict, we gain insight into each other’s perspectives, values, and emotions, and foster a more profound connection and deeper empathy.

Embracing conflict as an opportunity to grow, and can lead to more fulfilling, deep, and long-lasting relationships.

Perhaps you’ve avoided conflict in your relationship in the past. To avoid conflict seems easier in the short term, but it leads to detrimental consequences in the long run. When we avoid conflict, resentment builds, and results in explosive “blow ups” that cause even greater distress. Ironically, these negative experiences in relationships lead to further avoidance of conflict.

Unresolved conflicts erode connection within relationships and destroy trust and intimacy over time. By acknowledging and addressing conflicts constructively, couples can prevent these adverse outcomes and maintain a healthier dynamic.

When we learn how to resolve conflicts when they are minor and solvable, we can build and maintain healthy romantic relationships. When we approach disputes with mutual respect, empathy, and a genuine desire to understand one another, conflict can strengthen the bond between partners.

Strategies to Invite Healthy Conflict into Your Relationship

1. Communicate Effectively

You can learn How to Effectively Communicate with Your Partner by being open and honest with your partner. Be an active listener, express emotions respectfully, and use non-defensive communication with the use of “I” statements. These strategies can contribute to a more productive dialogue.

2. Listen and Collaborate

Focus on mutually acceptable solutions instead of trying to win arguments. This approach requires a willingness to listen and understand each other’s needs while allowing room to find common ground.

Your couples therapist can help you learn how to increase your cognitive flexibility, and build empathy for a more fulfilling romantic relationship.

3. Seek Professional Help

Couples therapy provides a safe space to learn and practice effective conflict resolution techniques. A therapist with specialized training for couples, like Dr. Koch at San Diego Relationship Center, can guide you and your partner to develop healthier communication strategies and address deeper underlying issues.

Approaches like Imago Relationship Therapy provides a structured approach to resolve conflict while creating deeper understanding and a more profound connection with your partner.

I tell couples, “Conflict is growth trying to happen.” It is an essential component of any romantic relationship. When you recognize the significance of conflict and learn how to navigate conflict amicably, you and your partner can cultivate a deeper understanding of each other, foster emotional intimacy, and build stronger connections.

When you embrace the power of healthy conflict, you can unlock the true growth potential of your romantic relationship.

Help is Available

If you and your partner feel “stuck,” Couples therapy at San Diego Relationship Center can help. Your San Diego psychologist can provide invaluable guidance to help you resolve conflicts effectively.

Contact Us today to learn more about How Therapy Works and What to Expect and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Koch. Relationships are hard work, and you don’t have to go it alone.

Coming Out as Queer on Your Terms

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | December 30, 2022

Photo by Cavan for Adobe

This article is inspired by friends and clients who recently shared with me about their coming out journey. In my article Relationship Tips for Gay Men…and anyone else smart enough to read this article, I suggest that gay men “celebrate their gay” by being themself in as many spaces as possible. This article will expand on this idea and provide guidance for anyone Coming Out as Queer.

When to Come Out

I encourage those who “come out”, or tell their truth, to do so on their own terms. This means that you have full autonomy to let others know about the diversity of your sexual orientation and/or gender identity whenever the time is right for you.

There is no right time to come out except when you are ready.

Take the pressure off yourself to come out in a particular way or time. For example, if you decide to come out to your family over an upcoming holiday, it is okay to change your plans if it doesn’t feel right at the time. You don’t owe anyone anything. Your coming out is for you!

How to Come Out

Come out by whatever method works best for you. For example, I lived with my mother for about six months after I finished college. I did this because I knew living at home would help me tell her that I was gay. After a couple of months, I wrote a coming out letter to her and left it with a helpful book on the kitchen counter. I went away for the weekend and gave her some time to process her thoughts and feelings. When we talked about it later, we were able to do so in a calm and caring manner. This strategy worked best for me, but it may feel better for others to have a face-to-face or phone conversation.

Avoid coming out by text message. We lose a lot of communication when we use text messages, especially when we have emotional conversations. This often leads to misunderstandings. Instead, try a more personal approach, like an in-person conversation, phone, or video call, or even a handwritten letter.

What to Share

You decide the information you provide to your loved ones. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and reactions (assuming they aren’t abusive), and you don’t need to manage other people’s feelings. It may be helpful to give your loved one some time and space to process, like I did with my mother. She was able to take care of herself in her own way, and it didn’t fall on me to manage her feelings.

When you share in a mature, caring way, you are not responsible for the feelings and reactions of others.

Set boundaries in this process to take care of yourself. Remember, it’s not your job to educate the world, including your loved ones, about queerness. It’s their job to educate themselves. Those who love us will do so in time.

Support is Available

Coming out as Queer can be a very difficult process. It takes a great deal of courage, and personal understanding to broach these important and meaningful conversations with your loved ones. Coming out is also a wonderful thing. It is a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing yourself, your sexual orientation and identity. You may find it helpful to work with a professional San Diego Psychologist who specializes in LGBTQ+ – related concerns.

Although coming out can be difficult, it can also be a very liberating and freeing process. You may feel like you can finally be authentic and true to who you are. You may even find a whole community of people like you and feel supported and inspired. Contact Us today to schedule an appointment with Dr. Koch at San Diego Relationship Center. Coming out doesn’t have to be a lonely process. Help and support is available.

Reinvigorating Sexual Passion and Desire in a Committed Relationship

By: Gregory E. Koch, Psy.D. | October 29, 2021

Photo by SKW

In the early days of a relationship, sex can seem fun, exciting, and something to look forward to for many couples. Of course, every couple is different. For many, even those still profoundly in love, sexual passion and behaviors can change throughout a long-term relationship. Couples who maintain a higher level of passion in a relationship may have a higher level of individual sexual passion to begin with (Busby, et al., 2019). But, as we know, life happens. We get older, our bodies change, some of us have children, stress can get the best of us. Such events can impact our sex lives even if our sex drive and sexual desire remain high. But here is the reality, sexual problems are normal, especially sexual desire problems (Schnarch, 2019). This might sound like new information if you believed the romantic fallacy that good relationships don’t have sexual problems. The fact is, good relationships and healthy people do have sexual problems.

So, how do we bring passion back into our committed relationships?

Understanding what you want and asking for it is powerful medicine in the bedroom. Believe it or not, “sexual passion can be developed and increased over time in relationships as couples learn to be more differentiated and are thereby able to expand their sexual intimacy, repertoire, and passion.” (Busby, et al., p. 736).

Follow the suggestions below to help improve your sex life:

1) Make time for intimacy

One aspect of improving our sex lives is prioritizing sex. But how do we make our sex lives a priority when life gets in the way? Consider scheduling sex with your sexy sex partner! “Scheduling?” you say? “How unromantic,” you say? I get it. And yet, when we want that special time with our partner knowing when and where can be helpful. It might surprise you, but most couples intentionally plan their sexual experiences (McCarthy & Wald, 2015).

2) Take time to look and smell good

At the beginning of romantic relationships, we are likely to try to impress each other by looking and smelling good. Of course, over time, we may put less effort into trying to impress our partners. This change certainly makes sense once we have dated a long time, if we live together, or raise children together. As relationships become long-term, knowing when sex is expected to occur gives us the chance to prepare to impress our partner at times when it matters most. As silly as it may seem, smelling and looking good can help improve the sexual experience. Having the opportunity to shower, brush our teeth, etc. can help us feel good about ourselves and our time together. Perhaps most importantly, the anticipation can be sexy and fun.

3) Learn about, and understand each other’s differences

What about relationships where one partner appears to be asking for sex more than the other? In my experience, every couple has a difference in their level of sexual desire: one partner is always going to want more sex than the other. As I mentioned above, many factors can change our sexual desire over time, but even without these changes, one partner will want a different amount of sex than the other. For example, perhaps you want sex a few times per week, and your partner wants it once every other week. Schnarch writes that simply understanding this difference can take pressure off couples.

On the other hand, this dynamic might cause a situation where one partner always seems to be initiating sex. This can start to feel like pressure when always in the lead when asking for intimacy. And the pressure to have sex can harm our sexual satisfaction. In such cases, it can be helpful to switch up the lead using what I call “Keeper of the Sexual Relationship Days”. Make an agreement between you about who will first “take the lead” to request sex, and then switch to the other partner next time. Using a strategy like this gives each partner time to think about what experience they might like to have and how they might set the scene. It allows setting up a romantic night, for example. Expressing and enjoying an individual’s desires and passions can bring alive sex with your partner.

4) Try new things together

As our lives with our partners become more routine, so do our sex lives. So, how can we improve sex in relationships? Schnarch (2019) writes that the best way is to create a collaborative partnership regarding sex. This approach means agreeing to work together. And we can’t do this without having good sexual communication. This suggestion might be another area where you would tell me, “How unromantic!” But the reality is your partner can’t know what you want unless you ask for it. And if YOU don’t know what you want, then you have some exploring to do. Thinking and talking about what is erotic for you and your partner, as it turns out, can be sexy. “Eroticism invites taking emotional and sexual risks; asks each partner to be open to creativity, mystery, and unpredictability…” (McCarthy & Wald, p. 292). If you find yourself feeling anxious doing this for the first time, keep it up. You’ll feel less anxious with practice. Books like Jack Morin’s “The Erotic Mind” or Justin Lehmiller’s “Tell Me What You Want” can be a good start to increasing your curiosity and erotic self-knowledge.

Finally, keep in mind that flexibility is a crucial element when it comes to sexual satisfaction. Desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction won’t be the same every time you have sex. However, accepting this variability can enhance the bond you have with your partner (McCarthy & Wald). Most importantly, make it like play, relax, and have fun.

If you and your partner are feeling stuck, having a hard time communicating or trouble reinvigorating passion and desire into your committed relationship, consider Imago Couples Therapy. Imago Therapy is a unique and interactive therapeutic process that brings you and your partner closer together and deepens intimacy. When you are feeling closer to your partner and more deeply connected, your sex life can improve dramatically. Don’t wait any longer. Contact a professional San Diego Psychologist at Therapy Changes today to learn more and schedule an appointment.

References
Busby, D. M., Chiu, H., Leonhardt, N. D., & Iliff, E. (2019). Sexual Passion in Committed Relationships: Measurement and Conceptual Issues. Family Process, 58(3), 734–748. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12385
McCarthy, B., & Wald, L. M. (2015). Strategies and Techniques to Directly Address Sexual Desire Problems. Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 26(4), 286–298. https://doi.org/10.1080/08975353.2015.1097282
Schnarch, D. M. (2019). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship (2nd ed.). Sterling Publishers.

Therapy Changes Welcomes Dr. Gregory E. Koch

Dr. Gregory E. Koch

In our era of “snapshot appearances” and social media, being yourself can be hard. It isn’t easy to keep up appearances, and this takes a toll on our self-esteem and self-identity. That is why having a place where you can be yourself, let your guard down, be vulnerable, and be seen is so important. Holding this space with my clients is what makes therapy so meaningful to me.

If you have unresolved trauma, relationship difficulties, loss and heartache, or you want to grow as a person, therapy can be the place for you. I’ve been helping clients heal and grow for over 22 years. I am delighted to join the Therapy Changes team where I can continue to provide focused guidance when it’s needed most.

Having the courage to be yourself

I started helping others affirm their identities when I was in college. After coming out as a gay man at a small liberal arts school in North Texas, I started the first LGBTQ+ organization on the Austin College campus. I didn’t do it alone, though. I had the help of friends, straight and gay, who sat with me in the student union building for our first meeting. We were out in the open; everyone walking by could see us. I couldn’t have done it without those friends’ help: the people who saw me, valued me, and worked with me to create a safe place for growth.

This experience made me passionate about providing LGBTQ+ services and for helping emerging adults find themselves. For the past decade, I worked as a counseling psychologist at the University of California, San Diego. In this role, I had the chance to create community spaces like the one I helped create for my college. I created spaces for gay men and couples to meet and discuss their relationships. These were safe spaces for self and relationship improvement. But again, I couldn’t have done it alone. It was the community that made this work meaningful and successful.

Because of the opportunities I have had to work in the LGBTQ+ community, I believe in people’s capacity for connection and personal transformation in healthy relationships. I believe that relationships give life meaning—none of the work we do amounts to a hill of beans without connection. Life cannot be about perfectionism or achievement alone. It must be about love for ourselves and others. When we understand this, we can look honestly at ourselves and create health, healing, and growth spaces.

I look forward to meeting you

I hope that my experience working with the LGBTQ+ community, my experience helping others heal from trauma, and my passion for building meaningful connection can be helpful to you. I look forward to joining and building community at Therapy Changes. I invite you to take the first step and be a part of that work.